Word Vomit

It is an odd feeling to me to be anxiety free. To be detached from the outcome of any particular event or experience. Allowing my self to be un-invested in my actions and do just for the sake of doing. This last year has been a crash course in these concepts. Constantly finding evidence that the world is not what I will it to be but rather chaos that we/I must learn to be a willing participant in. One year ago Dan's father was diagnosed with cancer, this single event acted as a catalyst to propel us towards movement we had both been preparing for. We hustled to get the house staged, packed & ready for the crush of buyers we expected and then prepared ourselves to exit the rural hills and valleys of South West Wisconsin. Cue the crickets.  Instead what we received was almost no interest and a seemingly never ending course in patience.

As a means for distraction I turned my focus to my yoga, mainly teaching and preparing for a few scheduled master trainings working towards my goal of national certification. Two steps forward and then a flash flood pulling me hundreds of steps back, or so it seemed. I have flirted with the notions of returning to college or maybe doing my own consulting thing. This took me through the summer and into the fall. And then the anxiety became crushing. Unable to accept the unbelievable reality that my life was on pause. Yes, to the outsider it appeared that I was still doing things to be an active participant in life and to not allow the shitty hand we have been dealt to wreak havoc on my mental state. But this was merely a ruse to allow me to wallow in my shit when no one was looking.

Today, over a year since the cancer diagnosis and the listing of our house for sale, we are still here. Waiting. It has dawned on me that I am probably not unique in this situation. How many other 30-somethings are at the same place in their lives? Running as fast as they can but instead of moving forward towards an expression of what their dreams are aching for, they are sprinting on a treadmill going nowhere. And no, to clarify, I am not speaking of the douche bag protesting idiots of the "99%". I am talking about all of us that have been paying our dues and working our asses off making a living and being an active part of society but feeling unfulfilled. Knowing that there is something out there we can be passionate about but yet we are just 'this close' to finding it. Further more, how many of us are going through this life pause at the same time we are trying to be there for  our retirement aged parents who are also going through a crisis of life and progress? And the biggest question I demand an answer to is why the hell did no one prepare me/us for this rest stop in life? It is stunning to me how many people can relate to the position Dan and I have found ourselves in.

Sitting here typing this blog (word vomit) primarily to purge my brain, an active meditation I suppose, I try to figure out what my next move is. Knowing full well that there is nothing I can do to stop my father in-law's cancer, a cancer that will take him from us much sooner than any of us will admit to ourselves. I know I can not make the house sell or rent any faster than it is supposed to. I am brutally aware that I am at the mercy of the universe in all things related to forward progress, I am at a loss of what I can control. I don't know if I should go back to school for something I may or may not find a passion within or follow a passion I know I posses for Yoga; but if I follow my known passion for yoga (with a dash of personal training), I could be dooming my self to a life of meager financial means. How in the hell do I know if I am making a correct decision? How many others out there are quietly struggling with the same decision? Should I just flip a coin? Do I let the anxiety win and simply curl into a ball, roll under my desk and rock gently while sucking my thumb?

I guess for now, for this moment, I will chose to turn to my yoga practice. I will be the water and not the rock.