It is an odd feeling to me to be anxiety free. To be detached from the outcome of any particular event or experience. Allowing my self to be un-invested in my actions and do just for the sake of doing. This last year has been a crash course in these concepts. Constantly finding evidence that the world is not what I will it to be but rather chaos that we/I must learn to be a willing participant in. One year ago Dan's father was diagnosed with cancer, this single event acted as a catalyst to propel us towards movement we had both been preparing for. We hustled to get the house staged, packed & ready for the crush of buyers we expected and then prepared ourselves to exit the rural hills and valleys of South West Wisconsin. Cue the crickets. Instead what we received was almost no interest and a seemingly never ending course in patience.
As a means for distraction I turned my focus to my yoga, mainly teaching and preparing for a few scheduled master trainings working towards my goal of national certification. Two steps forward and then a flash flood pulling me hundreds of steps back, or so it seemed. I have flirted with the notions of returning to college or maybe doing my own consulting thing. This took me through the summer and into the fall. And then the anxiety became crushing. Unable to accept the unbelievable reality that my life was on pause. Yes, to the outsider it appeared that I was still doing things to be an active participant in life and to not allow the shitty hand we have been dealt to wreak havoc on my mental state. But this was merely a ruse to allow me to wallow in my shit when no one was looking.
Today, over a year since the cancer diagnosis and the listing of our house for sale, we are still here. Waiting. It has dawned on me that I am probably not unique in this situation. How many other 30-somethings are at the same place in their lives? Running as fast as they can but instead of moving forward towards an expression of what their dreams are aching for, they are sprinting on a treadmill going nowhere. And no, to clarify, I am not speaking of the douche bag protesting idiots of the "99%". I am talking about all of us that have been paying our dues and working our asses off making a living and being an active part of society but feeling unfulfilled. Knowing that there is something out there we can be passionate about but yet we are just 'this close' to finding it. Further more, how many of us are going through this life pause at the same time we are trying to be there for our retirement aged parents who are also going through a crisis of life and progress? And the biggest question I demand an answer to is why the hell did no one prepare me/us for this rest stop in life? It is stunning to me how many people can relate to the position Dan and I have found ourselves in.
Sitting here typing this blog (word vomit) primarily to purge my brain, an active meditation I suppose, I try to figure out what my next move is. Knowing full well that there is nothing I can do to stop my father in-law's cancer, a cancer that will take him from us much sooner than any of us will admit to ourselves. I know I can not make the house sell or rent any faster than it is supposed to. I am brutally aware that I am at the mercy of the universe in all things related to forward progress, I am at a loss of what I can control. I don't know if I should go back to school for something I may or may not find a passion within or follow a passion I know I posses for Yoga; but if I follow my known passion for yoga (with a dash of personal training), I could be dooming my self to a life of meager financial means. How in the hell do I know if I am making a correct decision? How many others out there are quietly struggling with the same decision? Should I just flip a coin? Do I let the anxiety win and simply curl into a ball, roll under my desk and rock gently while sucking my thumb?
I guess for now, for this moment, I will chose to turn to my yoga practice. I will be the water and not the rock.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Positivity
It all started with a statement "What's good my friends?"
From there I got an in depth lesson on the way we have all been trained to think. I guess naively I thought that I would provoke wonderful thoughts of positivity on how great this day was. Instead, what I got was numerous examples of negativity going on in this world. What the hell?
I started to try and think why it is that so many of us get caught in this cycle of negativity and cynicism. What is it about our society that seems to breed this attitude? The more I am reading about the Science of Yoga and the philosophy behind it the more I realize that we have all been trained to look outside our selves for our happiness. We make a criteria for happiness... "Once I do.... I will be so happy" or "If I could only.... I would be happy". Even simple statements meant in good spirit can hold us back from our potential to find true contentment. How about the very common statement, "You complete me". To this I ask, "aren't I complete to begin with?". I guess some would place the blame on the consumerism in this country, others maybe on religious beliefs, original sin and what not. Regardless the cause, at what point do we each individually say enough is enough and make the conscious effort to begin to lead with positivity, no matter how painful initially?
Having been a negative person for much of my life, always under the guise of plan for the worst and be pleasantly surprised when I am wrong, I am seeing now clearer than ever how much damage that kind of attitude has played on my health, my relationships and my professional life. Being aware of this and making the effort to change my thought process has yielded me so much contentment. I no longer strive to supplement my life with material things as a path to happiness instead looking towards being completely in the moment and enjoying experiences with those that matter to me. I find myself compelled to share my revelations and knowledge with others and have become acutely aware of how few people actually go about their day mindfully focusing on leading with positivity.
So what to do, how to share? Yoga. While I know I can not change anyone who has not first made the decision themselves to change, I know that I hold the power to plant that seed of happiness, to water that seed with my support, friendship and love. I find peace in that. So I challenge you, my readers (whomever you all are), find something today to be happy about, to find gratitude in the smallest and simplest of things. Breathe a few deep breaths into that positive thought. Make a mental picture of the feeling that your gratitude and happiness brings and see if you can hold onto that and refer back to that all day.
"We have to bear in mind that we are all debtors to the world, and that the world does not owe us anything. It is a great privilege for all of us to be allowed to do anything for the world" Swami Vivekananda (on Karma Yoga)
From there I got an in depth lesson on the way we have all been trained to think. I guess naively I thought that I would provoke wonderful thoughts of positivity on how great this day was. Instead, what I got was numerous examples of negativity going on in this world. What the hell?
I started to try and think why it is that so many of us get caught in this cycle of negativity and cynicism. What is it about our society that seems to breed this attitude? The more I am reading about the Science of Yoga and the philosophy behind it the more I realize that we have all been trained to look outside our selves for our happiness. We make a criteria for happiness... "Once I do.... I will be so happy" or "If I could only.... I would be happy". Even simple statements meant in good spirit can hold us back from our potential to find true contentment. How about the very common statement, "You complete me". To this I ask, "aren't I complete to begin with?". I guess some would place the blame on the consumerism in this country, others maybe on religious beliefs, original sin and what not. Regardless the cause, at what point do we each individually say enough is enough and make the conscious effort to begin to lead with positivity, no matter how painful initially?
Having been a negative person for much of my life, always under the guise of plan for the worst and be pleasantly surprised when I am wrong, I am seeing now clearer than ever how much damage that kind of attitude has played on my health, my relationships and my professional life. Being aware of this and making the effort to change my thought process has yielded me so much contentment. I no longer strive to supplement my life with material things as a path to happiness instead looking towards being completely in the moment and enjoying experiences with those that matter to me. I find myself compelled to share my revelations and knowledge with others and have become acutely aware of how few people actually go about their day mindfully focusing on leading with positivity.
So what to do, how to share? Yoga. While I know I can not change anyone who has not first made the decision themselves to change, I know that I hold the power to plant that seed of happiness, to water that seed with my support, friendship and love. I find peace in that. So I challenge you, my readers (whomever you all are), find something today to be happy about, to find gratitude in the smallest and simplest of things. Breathe a few deep breaths into that positive thought. Make a mental picture of the feeling that your gratitude and happiness brings and see if you can hold onto that and refer back to that all day.
"We have to bear in mind that we are all debtors to the world, and that the world does not owe us anything. It is a great privilege for all of us to be allowed to do anything for the world" Swami Vivekananda (on Karma Yoga)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Self Imposed Exile
When we first thought up the plan to leave Colorado and go have an adventure in small town midwest living, I honestly believe that we had a romantic view of this type of lifestyle. Much like the Chevy Chase movie Funny Farm things did not necessarily turn out the way we would have idealized. The whole thought process was to move up here, be close to our niece and nephews while enjoying the cheap cost of living and getting completely out of debt. Note, no wiggle room for life, karma or the universes sense of humor. Rather than give a chronilogical throw-down of what happened when and what we felt (boring), I would rather like to highlight some lessons we have been forced to learn. So, without further ado, our lessons from exile.
Dear Wisconsin,
Let me start by thanking you for all that you have given us throughout the last four and a half years. While we may not have seen eye to eye on numerous things, I want to write you this thank you letter to express my gratitude for where I am now and what I am now. I could never have anticipated the volume of lessons I/we would be forced to learn and appreciate. While we tried to integrate into the local way of life we quickly found that would mean becoming something we both knew we were not. It is through this failed integration and subsequent months (and years) of exile I have found who I really am. What my non-negotiable are & most importantly what I want out of this lifetime.
It has been through hours and hours of solitude, professionally and personally, I have learned to love and value me. To appreciate what surrounds me, so thank you Wisconsin for sending so many wonderful examples of wildlife for me to appreciate. For the thunderstorms I watched in awe. For the snow that keeps everything looking so, well, white. (sorry that is the most decent I can be about WI winters, talk to me in June and I may have something more articulate to report).
It is through this adventure in learning that I found my passion for health & wellness because of, or in spite of (not really clear on which fits better) living in a high obesity area. Yet another example that the Universe is one cheeky bastard. Ha ha.. super funny. But still thankful, it has shown me to have conviction in what I know and believe is true regardless of how much I am mocked for eating & living healthily and working to help others find their wellness. Now looking back at all the times I felt the need to defend my self, my lifestyle, my choices or my beliefs and how much it hurt at the time, I am glad for those opportunities to be tested. Thank you WI for teaching me how to just be me, unapologetically me.
Adding in a dash of sap, thank you WI for showing me the things which are truly valuable in this life, things I genuinely feel I had lost site of before moving out of Colorado. The partnership I have with Dan is something akin to female urban myth. I did not know it was possible to be so in tune with another human being. To know that no matter what life crisis has befallen us (from appendix to work) that I will have someone there to walk with me through it all, is an amazing feeling that leaves me with a loss of words. Who knew it was possible to be in a relationship that is easy, ok so ya it takes some work but is still easy even when there is work to be done. We received so much support from my family when we moved, this has not wavered in the slightest, it seems illogical that having moved away from them I actually grew closer with them. It is through our exile that friends became family, and our family has become friends. To my extended non-blood related family, you know who you are and you know what you have done for us (me), and for that I am grateful.
In closing, I am every day filled with gratitude for my experience with this move and our new life, currently located in Wisconsin, the state I have grown to love. And, thank you to all the people who have shown me kindness both here and far away when I needed someone to listen to me bitch or to just give a little pep talk.
Respectfully,
Jen
Dear Wisconsin,
Let me start by thanking you for all that you have given us throughout the last four and a half years. While we may not have seen eye to eye on numerous things, I want to write you this thank you letter to express my gratitude for where I am now and what I am now. I could never have anticipated the volume of lessons I/we would be forced to learn and appreciate. While we tried to integrate into the local way of life we quickly found that would mean becoming something we both knew we were not. It is through this failed integration and subsequent months (and years) of exile I have found who I really am. What my non-negotiable are & most importantly what I want out of this lifetime.
It has been through hours and hours of solitude, professionally and personally, I have learned to love and value me. To appreciate what surrounds me, so thank you Wisconsin for sending so many wonderful examples of wildlife for me to appreciate. For the thunderstorms I watched in awe. For the snow that keeps everything looking so, well, white. (sorry that is the most decent I can be about WI winters, talk to me in June and I may have something more articulate to report).
It is through this adventure in learning that I found my passion for health & wellness because of, or in spite of (not really clear on which fits better) living in a high obesity area. Yet another example that the Universe is one cheeky bastard. Ha ha.. super funny. But still thankful, it has shown me to have conviction in what I know and believe is true regardless of how much I am mocked for eating & living healthily and working to help others find their wellness. Now looking back at all the times I felt the need to defend my self, my lifestyle, my choices or my beliefs and how much it hurt at the time, I am glad for those opportunities to be tested. Thank you WI for teaching me how to just be me, unapologetically me.
Adding in a dash of sap, thank you WI for showing me the things which are truly valuable in this life, things I genuinely feel I had lost site of before moving out of Colorado. The partnership I have with Dan is something akin to female urban myth. I did not know it was possible to be so in tune with another human being. To know that no matter what life crisis has befallen us (from appendix to work) that I will have someone there to walk with me through it all, is an amazing feeling that leaves me with a loss of words. Who knew it was possible to be in a relationship that is easy, ok so ya it takes some work but is still easy even when there is work to be done. We received so much support from my family when we moved, this has not wavered in the slightest, it seems illogical that having moved away from them I actually grew closer with them. It is through our exile that friends became family, and our family has become friends. To my extended non-blood related family, you know who you are and you know what you have done for us (me), and for that I am grateful.
In closing, I am every day filled with gratitude for my experience with this move and our new life, currently located in Wisconsin, the state I have grown to love. And, thank you to all the people who have shown me kindness both here and far away when I needed someone to listen to me bitch or to just give a little pep talk.
Respectfully,
Jen
Friday, February 11, 2011
Gotta Start Somewhere
Over the past weeks and maybe even months, I have been noticing an abundance of signals from the universe to get back into writing. For my people that have known me the longest, this should be of no surprise. My writing has helped me through some very intense and hectic bumps in the road. Though, truth be told, I have not written anything of worth, to myself or anyone else, for a very very long time. This blog shall be my attempt to begin to write again. I have no real plan of what this blog is supposed to be, or even what I want to share, only that I need to start writing again.
Having set this blog up weeks ago I found myself completely overwhelmed by the blank page. This feeling led to a surge of topics, insights & revelations that I want to share with the world. Or maybe just get out of my head so that my clouded mind can see things a bit more clearly. Make no mistake, the last 4 and a half years have provided me with a wealth of topics, insights, revelations and challenges to draw upon, but I found myself quite overwhelmed at the thought of starting all this. And I feel obligated to share that up till recently I found blogs quite douchey; this all changed when a friend from way back when began posting her blogs and I found myself quite able to relate to her words and even found a therapeutic value to them. Of course this got my gears a turnin' thinking, "well hell, if reading those words helped to clarify things, imagine the power of me writing words and sharing them". So here we are.
While I can not make any promises to content, nor can I promise not to offend by my revelations, I can promise to have truth to my words and to do this blog thing regularly (no matter how douchey I feel about it).
In closing for this very first post, I would like to share a quote that continues to have meaning for me every time I read it:
"Put no stock in the opinions of anyone but those closes to you. Forget about leaving a mark on the world. Ignore the great issues of your time & thereby improve your digestion. Don't dwell in the past. Don't worry about the future. Live in the moment. Trust in the purpose of your existence and let meaning come to you instead of straining to discover it" -Dean Koontz "Seize The Night"
Having set this blog up weeks ago I found myself completely overwhelmed by the blank page. This feeling led to a surge of topics, insights & revelations that I want to share with the world. Or maybe just get out of my head so that my clouded mind can see things a bit more clearly. Make no mistake, the last 4 and a half years have provided me with a wealth of topics, insights, revelations and challenges to draw upon, but I found myself quite overwhelmed at the thought of starting all this. And I feel obligated to share that up till recently I found blogs quite douchey; this all changed when a friend from way back when began posting her blogs and I found myself quite able to relate to her words and even found a therapeutic value to them. Of course this got my gears a turnin' thinking, "well hell, if reading those words helped to clarify things, imagine the power of me writing words and sharing them". So here we are.
While I can not make any promises to content, nor can I promise not to offend by my revelations, I can promise to have truth to my words and to do this blog thing regularly (no matter how douchey I feel about it).
In closing for this very first post, I would like to share a quote that continues to have meaning for me every time I read it:
"Put no stock in the opinions of anyone but those closes to you. Forget about leaving a mark on the world. Ignore the great issues of your time & thereby improve your digestion. Don't dwell in the past. Don't worry about the future. Live in the moment. Trust in the purpose of your existence and let meaning come to you instead of straining to discover it" -Dean Koontz "Seize The Night"
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